Underwater

I am doing less than well today. And this week. And more or less this month. Honestly, this year has been pretty crap. I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm just treading water, but lately it feels like the water is above my head. I'm exhausted most of the time. I either don't sleep, or sleep and wake up feeling as though I haven't. I'm currently fighting an invisible foe- I think we either have fleas or bed bugs. Not sure which, but I'm treating it as though it's bed bugs just in case. I have over a dozen big, itchy welts. Vacuuming, spraying, slip-covering, washing, cleaning, and starting all over again to try and get whatever is biting me in check. I've got several tests over the next few weeks. I am not sure what my next step is with math, confused as to what is needed for my major. Realizing I have to take a foreign language. I need the intermediate credits, which means I get to spend $300 and two semesters taking the basics just to get to the intermediates. And I can't possibly keep my grades where I feel I need them to be with all of this. Josh's day job is tenuous at best, and his evening job has been bringing in a lot less money for the last year. My job is still around, and I still don't like it. The house still needs foundation repairs, which I haven't had time to schedule. I'm blushing uncontrollably now, sometimes just if I think about blushing. My leg cramps have returned.

I'll get by. But I'm definitely considering living in a van by the river right now.

Sickies

I can't believe it, but I'm actually sick again. It's the super pits right now. I can't miss anymore work after my foot injury, the last time I was sick, and our trip to NY. My boss has a compromised immune system due to his cancer treatments, so gets to work from home while I get to come in and be miserable all day, ha. Hoping this crud will be over much more quickly than it was last time. I would love nothing more than to curl up in bed and watch some old movies while I wait this bug out, but looks like that just isn't an option this time.

Sink or Swim

I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. We had a nice weekend, in which I got a few things done. But it just seems that there's never going to be a way for me to get all the the things done that need doing. Money is really tight right now, and I need all the work hours I can get. I'm doing good on getting to work early so far. But at the same time I really need to go take the placement test for school. Time is dwindling and the longer I wait the harder it's going to be to put together a decent class schedule. Taking the test means missing work though.

On top of the school/work/money thing is the driving thing. We got the new car, in part so we'd have something I could more easily learn on, and drive on days I have school. But I haven't had a chance to drive it yet. And beyond that is the stress of actually getting my license. And then the increase in our insurance and gas costs come up, which swings us back around to the money side of things. Add to that the everyday stuff like I don't like my job, housework, cooking, and insomnia.

And let's not forget the icing on the cake- I've gained at least 6 pounds since my foot injury. Half of my pants don't fit. The expensive pairs, naturally. So I'm on a heavy rotation of stairs, jumping jacks, pilates, walking, and hand weights. Also counting calories and measuring food portions. I can't afford to buy a bunch of new clothes, not to mention that I don't want to. It's all my favorite pants that aren't fitting!

I know people have problems way worse than mine, but it doesn't stop these things from stressing me out. Guess it's a good thing I'm doing all this exercising for stress release, huh?

What is "Good Enough"?

I am having a busy week at work and at home. I've been paying bills, moving money around for retirement, and to pay for Conan tickets and our taxes. The other office person has been out sick, so that means more work for me. I'm trying to keep forging ahead on re-learning math skills before I take a college placement test. Our eating habits have been not so great lately, so I've been working a lot on that. I'm gearing up for spring cleaning this weekend, since Josh will be on the road. I haven't been doing anything with photography lately. I'm not keeping up with my Newsweek subscription very well. I've become a total slacker when it comes to Small Time Cooks. I've got several partly read books on my bedside table. I've made very little progress on my resolutions. There are a lot of unfinished projects around the house. My insomnia is totally getting the better of me. And I'm slowly realizing that I can't do everything, especially when I'll be adding school to my plate.

Lately the phrase "The perfect is the enemy of the good" has been popping up around me. I've read it on other blogs, in some of those half-finished bedside books, and I keep coming back to it. It makes sense to me, but I can't even begin to figure out how to actually apply it. I don't know how you figure out what is "good enough". Everytime I think of my long list of to-do's they all seem necessary. I was talking about stuff with a friend over coffee this weekend and she was somewhat amazed at my ability to connect whether or not I peel and chop my own carrots to whether or not I'm succeeding or failing in life. I have to prepare good food for us because it's important for my health and Josh's. I have to make sure I'm eating the right things to help keep my health problems in check. So how do I measure "good enough" when it comes to feeding us?

Keeping a clean house is very important to me, especially because I'm actually the messy one of the two of us. I've been teased that I could rent my house out to build micro-chips in. Let me just tell you that isn't the case because dusting is one cleaning duty that I am actually very lax on. I'm lax on a lot of them, but if I don't clean house often enough I feel like I'm failing. Sometimes Josh will do some cleaning and I will feel awful about it. I feel differently when he offers to help, but when I can hear him from the other room cleaning, unprompted, I feel guilty, like I've let him down. I have a shelf of books about cleaning and housekeeping in my office. I cleaned house last weekend in anticipation of spring cleaning this weekend. Cleaning your house so you can be ready to clean your house? Seems a bit much. But how can I hope to be at peace if my house is in chaos?

I hate that I don't always get to ironing Josh's shirts and that he will wear them anyways. I feel like his wrinkled clothes are a public display of my laziness. Everytime we buy prepared things at the store I say to myself "I should be making this." I should be making the bread. I should be making the salad dressing. I should be making the graham crackers. Do you know how time consuming it is to make graham crackers? Rolling, scoring, baking in batches. And do you also know how inexpensive graham crackers are? And yet it bothers me. Josh came back from staying with friends in Austin this weekend and told me how the wife made migas and bacon for everyone, and I apologized for not doing that too. His response was "You're always making good breakfasts." I almost NEVER make breakfast on the weekends. If he doesn't seem to even notice, why do I still feel the need to apologize?

I have this quote taped to my work monitor: "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."- H. Jackson Brown. I think I'm going to take it down though because every time I look at it I say to myself "Yeah, but they didn't have to do the laundry and clean the toilets."

How do I figure out what's "good enough"?

Back

We're finally back from vacation. We had a wonderful time, although things got a little rough Sunday night, and have sort of trended that way ever since. The film festival was great, but my purse was ruined by a spilled drink in the theater. Then upon getting back to Diggy's I realized that I'd had tomato sauce on my shirt since dinner and no one had noticed or thought to inform me of this. We had to get up super early yesterday to get to the airport for our flight and that all went smoothly, or so we thought. For while things seemed fine on our end, little did we know that our luggage was having some problems of it's own. It decided to take another flight, so wasn't there to meet us at the airport. The agent said it'd be delivered around 7:00 PM, and if it hadn't shown up by 9 to call them back. When we got to Stephanie's house to pick up our car the battery was dead, so we munched on Twizzlers while we waited for AAA to come give us a charge. 9:00 rolls around and no luggage, so I call and the agent on the phone says the flight wasn't getting in until 10:30, so they won't know anything until then. Call it a day and go to bed, only to oversleep this morning when Josh hits the off button instead of snooze.

So, yeah. I know everybody says this, but I could really use another vacation to recover from our vacation. On the plus side they claim that our luggage did arrive and that it should be delivered today. Perhaps that's a sign things are on their way up.

Q & A

These are the questions. They need answers. Suggestions welcome.

-Should I apply for the part-time job at the FW Museum of Science & History? My availability would be all hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

-If I do apply for said job, how would I schedule all my dental work around it? Friday was my go-to dental day, but probably not if I get a second job.

-Will a 5 month/$1200 per month dental plan work out between me and the dentist?

-How would that plan, if implemented, affect our goal to be in a house before Christmas?

-Should I amend our original goals to add an additional 2K to emergency savings and 4K to down payment savings before doing the whole house thing, since the dental damage to the wallet was an unknown at the time?

-Should I bite the bullet, use the $1200 IRS stimulus I tucked away and take advantage of Josh having to be in NYC Sept. 25 & 26 to get to New York myself and see Woody Allen perform at the Carlyle? Checking a big one of the 'ol bucket list, especially since he'll (hopefully) kick the bucket before me.

-What are my talent, passion and purpose in life? Forget that, I don't have time to worry about that stuff right now!

-Should I hold my breath till I pass out, then repeat until I don't have to make any of these decisions? (Psst, leaning towards yes on this one)

Chores

I really wish I hadn't gotten sick when I have so many things I need to get done. I'm feeling mostly better now, but the overwhelming amount of chores to be done in such a short amount of time is making me feel a bit queasy. Tonight we have Christmas with Josh's dad's family, which doesn't leave too much time for tasks. But no matter what I have to get some gifts wrapped to mail out tomorrow. Just a few of the 30 gifts I have left to wrap. Oh jeez. And then there's the laundry. And the cleaning- made extra difficult due to the broken vacuum. Don't forget all the double cooking I've signed myself up for to help stock Alec & Kim's freezer for the impending baby days. Hopefully that won't be as hard as it feels like, since I'm just doubling everything I'm making for our dinner and popping it in the freezer. And I really, really, really want to get some cookies made. I realize that's not quite a chore, but gosh darnit, I'm determined to get it done. And at some point I should probably bathe. I think everyone would appreciate me crossing that one off my list each day. Josh is being a very sweet boy and going to Target when he leaves work to get a cheese tray for tonight, along with laundry detergent and stopping to get the Chili's GC my sister requested for Christmas. He offered to do more, but I don't know when/how he can do much more than me, since he's got drum lessons T-Th. I'm staying home Friday, and we don't have any plans yet for Saturday, so I'm hoping to get most of the laundry and gift wrapping done then. I'm sure everything will be A-OK. I just felt like some frazzled venting was necessary. I'll stop whining now since I brought this all on myself and it's not like some great tragedy is playing out over here. Oh jeez, I have to wrap gifts and make cookies and do my normal chores too, ha.

Blech

Dudes. I'm sick again. What the H. I'm hoping it will pass quickly. Maybe it's sinus problems from the weather shifts. Yeah, it was hot last Friday. And then cold on Sunday. And then this morning we had freezing fog. I had no idea what freezing fog was, and until the nice man on television finally explained it to me I refused to open my door for fear I would walk directly into a cloud of solid ice. Once my fears were laid to rest and we established that Josh's way to work was more or less free of accidents we left for work. I was planning on working tomorrow, but now that I feel totally yucky I'm think maybe not. I've got about a trillion things to get done around the apartment too, so either way I'll be busy, but at least I can be busy in my pajamas if at home. Am I right? What, you don't walk to the laundry room in your pajamas? Stop trying to make me feel bad.

Sicky

I've been feeling under the weather since I woke up yesterday morning. Unfortunately for me, so has the only other person in the office, besides the boss-man. They beat me to the punch, which means I'm the one stuck at work when all I really want to do is lay in bed and groan. I'm working on recuperating as quickly as I can. I'm using the Zicam that saved me around this time last year (a cold that close to your wedding can be a frightening prospect), got some apple juice, ginger ale, and Kleenex at the grocery store last night, and I'll be having some hot soup for lunch. Tonight I will go heavy on the garlic and veggies for my spaghetti to try and boost my immune system, and the vaporizer will be bedside as I try to get some rest. But I really wish I wouldn't have to climb out of bed tomorrow morning for another 11 agonizing hours in the dry office air conditioning and florescent light.