Underwater

I am doing less than well today. And this week. And more or less this month. Honestly, this year has been pretty crap. I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm just treading water, but lately it feels like the water is above my head. I'm exhausted most of the time. I either don't sleep, or sleep and wake up feeling as though I haven't. I'm currently fighting an invisible foe- I think we either have fleas or bed bugs. Not sure which, but I'm treating it as though it's bed bugs just in case. I have over a dozen big, itchy welts. Vacuuming, spraying, slip-covering, washing, cleaning, and starting all over again to try and get whatever is biting me in check. I've got several tests over the next few weeks. I am not sure what my next step is with math, confused as to what is needed for my major. Realizing I have to take a foreign language. I need the intermediate credits, which means I get to spend $300 and two semesters taking the basics just to get to the intermediates. And I can't possibly keep my grades where I feel I need them to be with all of this. Josh's day job is tenuous at best, and his evening job has been bringing in a lot less money for the last year. My job is still around, and I still don't like it. The house still needs foundation repairs, which I haven't had time to schedule. I'm blushing uncontrollably now, sometimes just if I think about blushing. My leg cramps have returned.

I'll get by. But I'm definitely considering living in a van by the river right now.

Sink or Swim

I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. We had a nice weekend, in which I got a few things done. But it just seems that there's never going to be a way for me to get all the the things done that need doing. Money is really tight right now, and I need all the work hours I can get. I'm doing good on getting to work early so far. But at the same time I really need to go take the placement test for school. Time is dwindling and the longer I wait the harder it's going to be to put together a decent class schedule. Taking the test means missing work though.

On top of the school/work/money thing is the driving thing. We got the new car, in part so we'd have something I could more easily learn on, and drive on days I have school. But I haven't had a chance to drive it yet. And beyond that is the stress of actually getting my license. And then the increase in our insurance and gas costs come up, which swings us back around to the money side of things. Add to that the everyday stuff like I don't like my job, housework, cooking, and insomnia.

And let's not forget the icing on the cake- I've gained at least 6 pounds since my foot injury. Half of my pants don't fit. The expensive pairs, naturally. So I'm on a heavy rotation of stairs, jumping jacks, pilates, walking, and hand weights. Also counting calories and measuring food portions. I can't afford to buy a bunch of new clothes, not to mention that I don't want to. It's all my favorite pants that aren't fitting!

I know people have problems way worse than mine, but it doesn't stop these things from stressing me out. Guess it's a good thing I'm doing all this exercising for stress release, huh?

What is "Good Enough"?

I am having a busy week at work and at home. I've been paying bills, moving money around for retirement, and to pay for Conan tickets and our taxes. The other office person has been out sick, so that means more work for me. I'm trying to keep forging ahead on re-learning math skills before I take a college placement test. Our eating habits have been not so great lately, so I've been working a lot on that. I'm gearing up for spring cleaning this weekend, since Josh will be on the road. I haven't been doing anything with photography lately. I'm not keeping up with my Newsweek subscription very well. I've become a total slacker when it comes to Small Time Cooks. I've got several partly read books on my bedside table. I've made very little progress on my resolutions. There are a lot of unfinished projects around the house. My insomnia is totally getting the better of me. And I'm slowly realizing that I can't do everything, especially when I'll be adding school to my plate.

Lately the phrase "The perfect is the enemy of the good" has been popping up around me. I've read it on other blogs, in some of those half-finished bedside books, and I keep coming back to it. It makes sense to me, but I can't even begin to figure out how to actually apply it. I don't know how you figure out what is "good enough". Everytime I think of my long list of to-do's they all seem necessary. I was talking about stuff with a friend over coffee this weekend and she was somewhat amazed at my ability to connect whether or not I peel and chop my own carrots to whether or not I'm succeeding or failing in life. I have to prepare good food for us because it's important for my health and Josh's. I have to make sure I'm eating the right things to help keep my health problems in check. So how do I measure "good enough" when it comes to feeding us?

Keeping a clean house is very important to me, especially because I'm actually the messy one of the two of us. I've been teased that I could rent my house out to build micro-chips in. Let me just tell you that isn't the case because dusting is one cleaning duty that I am actually very lax on. I'm lax on a lot of them, but if I don't clean house often enough I feel like I'm failing. Sometimes Josh will do some cleaning and I will feel awful about it. I feel differently when he offers to help, but when I can hear him from the other room cleaning, unprompted, I feel guilty, like I've let him down. I have a shelf of books about cleaning and housekeeping in my office. I cleaned house last weekend in anticipation of spring cleaning this weekend. Cleaning your house so you can be ready to clean your house? Seems a bit much. But how can I hope to be at peace if my house is in chaos?

I hate that I don't always get to ironing Josh's shirts and that he will wear them anyways. I feel like his wrinkled clothes are a public display of my laziness. Everytime we buy prepared things at the store I say to myself "I should be making this." I should be making the bread. I should be making the salad dressing. I should be making the graham crackers. Do you know how time consuming it is to make graham crackers? Rolling, scoring, baking in batches. And do you also know how inexpensive graham crackers are? And yet it bothers me. Josh came back from staying with friends in Austin this weekend and told me how the wife made migas and bacon for everyone, and I apologized for not doing that too. His response was "You're always making good breakfasts." I almost NEVER make breakfast on the weekends. If he doesn't seem to even notice, why do I still feel the need to apologize?

I have this quote taped to my work monitor: "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."- H. Jackson Brown. I think I'm going to take it down though because every time I look at it I say to myself "Yeah, but they didn't have to do the laundry and clean the toilets."

How do I figure out what's "good enough"?

Getaway

I am feeling frazzled and overwhelmed today. Desperately wishing I could run away to a nice, peaceful cabin for some quiet time. The best I can hope for is finding some time to use our fire pit soon.














Photo of Casita La Joya, where we spent part of our honeymoon.

Homeownership Is Not All It's Cracked Up To Be (no pun intended)

So, here's the thing about me owning a home. I'm crazy. I got big neuroses rattling around in this melon of mine. And when you've been reading Martha Stewart Living since you were sixteen, pretty much just dreaming, hoping and waiting for the day that you'll have your very own space to unleash all your collected thoughts, ideas and projects- well, your expectations can get a bit out of whack. I realize that there are some things that are, more or less, out of my control. That however doesn't mean I always accept it.

This is where the unintentional pun comes in. We wanted an older house, something with some character and charm. We knew that this being Texas, and us wanting to be in this general part of town (it's not called South Hills for it's smooth landscape), that we would have trouble finding a house without any foundation issues at all. When we decided to take a closer look at the home we now occupy we saw where many cracks had been patched and repaired. The sellers included a foundation report with their disclosure and we hired a structural engineer to do our inspection. Some shifting, not as bad as could be expected for the age of house, no repairs needed at this time, though possibly down the road. Sounded good to us. And then we weren't there to water the foundation as often as we should have been the first month. And then it rained for 4 days, and I saw first hand that slight drainage issue the inspector had mentioned we might have at the front of the house. Next came the cracks. Some big, some small, but a lot of them. Everywhere I look I seem to see one. I try to take comfort in the fact that they are cracks that previously existed, just coming back out. I spend a lot of time pointing and yelling- bouncing between yelling at them to stop and shouting that I won't let them take over my life.

That last bit is obviously not true (yet), since here I am doing an entire blog post about it. But I am trying. I try to keep my head down, try to keep my eyes on what I'm doing. Sometimes I just wonder around and look at them all, and look for more. And then I curse myself for mucking things up. When having a home has been your dream for so many years, and then you feel like your failing at the one constant wish you've ever had, it can be a pretty depressing state of mind to be in. But like I said, I'm trying. Slowly I'm finding things a home, emptying one more box, putting one more thing in it's place. I've got plans for a compost pile, have been reading about square-foot gardening and researching gutterless rain barrels. I think I've decided on a programmable thermostat and we'll be insulating our water heater soon. This one thing doesn't have to stop me from doing what I can to improve our home. Part of me knows that I should take these cracks as a sign that I can't plan for and control everything. But it doesn't seem to stop me from trying anyway.

Worries

Josh and I had to renew our lease this morning. We decided to go the month-to-month route, in hopes that we will be moving soon. I'm regretting it a little bit, as it increased our rent considerably. One more chunk of money not being saved each month. Blarg. We'll be attempting to tighten our belts even more now. This weekend we'll be working on the following things:

-Return shoes I didn't need to Dillard's
-Sort LPs and books to take to Half-Price Books for resale
-Call AT&T: cancel phone & long distance service and switch to DSL Direct
-Go over all our appliances and power strips to cut back on standby power use
-Drop off Goodwill donation
-See how much money I can cut off the satellite bill, possibly cancel altogether
-Put extra video games and perfume on eBay
-Return extra bikini bottom to Target
-Work on more budget friendly menus and recipes

And on top of all the bad money thoughts floating around in my head, I'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning for a diagnostic visit. Think good thoughts for me, as I seem to be incapable of that.